Sex toys for humans

I just never realized blowjobs were an eternal gauntlet of pain. You know the ones. Continue Reading Below Advertisement All in all, things sounded pretty amazing, right up until you actually started fiddling around with the programming part, and were slapped in the face with this: You must have known that. Even with all this engineering, the program had its limits:




If, for some reason, it doesn't look sanitary, that's because it isn't. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Why, yes, friend. But Nikki isn't alone. You need to keep attaching and unattaching it, since neither your post-orgasm self nor your non-sexy shower sessions are likely to use a shower with a frankly un-ergonomic-looking dildo handle, even though "accidentally shot yourself in the eye with a hidden clitoris jet" does sound like a fantastic way to get sick leave from work. Not too much more, mind you. Unfortunately, we're still at the "exploding in the hangar before takeoff" phase. Continue Reading Below Continue Reading Below Advertisement It seems that whoever is creating these things isn't totally familiar with human anatomy, but is chillingly acquainted with the depths of Stygian insanity. Even with all this engineering, the program had its limits: If you're going to mess around with something that looks like that, you might as well stick your dick in a light socket. There's probably a solid product idea hiding behind all that screwing and unscrewing and weird, hidden James Bond jet tricks. Something you can still fit in a suitcase. Every single change you wanted to make to its patterns or "grooves," as they liked to call them had to be programmed with a specific Pleasureware software designed for this exact purpose. No, don't get up. This is designed to simulate one very specific nightmare, the end result of which is aliens populating the world with their hideous brood. Now, if Nikki were the only malformed masturbation toy out there, we could consider it a one-off -- the result of nothing more than the work of one lonely soul with poor depth perception and a singular vision of a perfect woman. Now, take a moment to picture where a vibrator is generally located when you use it, and take a wild fucking guess how handily you can operate a goddamn scroll wheel with your sticky fingers, let alone an LCD screen. It's a concept that lends itself to infinite options to improve the experience, ranging from all sorts of waterproof gadgetry that the sex toy market is bursting at the seams with, to plain ol' creative antics with the showerhead. Continue Reading Below Advertisement There's no getting around it -- this is a tube that shoots slimy cosmic eggs into your vagina or rectum or ear or eye socket -- really, anywhere you point the thing. Something more like a bizarre, masturbatory half-person. Continue Reading Below Continue Reading Below Advertisement When you inevitably said "fuck it" and decided to run with Je Joue's 10 pre-programmed grooves, things didn't get any better. Meanwhile, the manufacturer can just rename this the Trump Masturbator or whatever, and drown in the dollars the alt-right will pelt them with from here to eternity. Continue Reading Below Advertisement The Satyr is a giant silicon stool that vibrates, has a hole on one end, and is meant to be displayed in the home to " normalize ideas on sex " -- a goal it absolutely does not accomplish. Those splayed-out boobs, the lopsided ass, and that full-on Exorcist head twist are clearly the work of an extraterrestrial serial killer. This leaves you with two options: If the throes of your particular passion require utilizing both of these things separately, you're left with precisely zero hands to keep you from unfortunate, mood-killing pratfalls. However, there is another version that utilizes a condom, which looks about as sexually appetizing as a dead gremlin.




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5 thoughts on “Sex toys for humans

  1. Shamuro

    However, chances are that you won't get to experience it, because you're stuck with a regular ol' dildo attached to a showerhead that is currently shooting water in assorted directions that miss their intended target entirely.

    Reply
  2. Kagore

    Now, if Nikki were the only malformed masturbation toy out there, we could consider it a one-off -- the result of nothing more than the work of one lonely soul with poor depth perception and a singular vision of a perfect woman.

    Reply
  3. Totilar

    This one'll do the job of both, plus twisting its cap unleashes hidden jets directly at the clitoris, which, if nothing else, manages to be the third sexiest sentence featuring the words "jet" and "clitoris" that I've heard all week. This is partially because such a device would look like a waking nightmare, and frankly would be too gauche to be an effective conversation piece.

    Reply
  4. Moogunris

    Something you can still fit in a suitcase. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Why, yes, friend.

    Reply
  5. Kazrarn

    So, of course it was just a matter of time before someone cut the middleman and combined the two. They even made a big deal about how it could be used over email to help people who are far apart get intimate.

    Reply

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