It has yet to work for any sitcom something: Kutcher plays Nikki, a heartless sexual grifter who left the Midwest for L. Everybody wants to be seen in Los Angeles. It's the primordial spooge that gives birth to the "Sex and the City" craze, the constant need to look at glossy magazine spreads about famous people. And not just cougars, he leeches all the joy and care out of people who pay attention to him until even they won't put up with his bullshit.
Not satisfied with merely despoiling any tepid romantic comedy he can find, Ashton decided to wipe his ass on the sordid indie dark sexromedy. He has a girl's name, after all. But Heather is playing the same game he is, living large at the expense of the wealthy men she bangs. It's effortfully serious and bizarre enough to make us never want to see Kutcher venture outside of rom-com territory again. MORE attractive women naked and all over me? Spread is the kind of shitty shiny fuckfest that appeals to exactly two kinds of people: Sebastian Stan has made a career out of playing in this kind of "Gossip Girl" Shit, so good on him for finally getting to play a weakling and not a douchebag. They would spurt meaningless platitudes, stare at each other blankly, and then start fucking like a W. The ultimate crux of the film involves Nikki falling for a female version of himself -- a lady-playa -- who he tries to romance. Looking for the fantasy, man. Nikki's latest conquest is Samantha, a moneyed, 40ish attorney gamely played by Anne Heche. Is Rohypnol still the go-to date rape drug? They rub their plasticized faces in our faces every day, so do we really want to watch a movie devoted to how tooootallly awesum they are? Nikki delivers his tweet-sized pearls of wisdom "When a girl tells you you're not getting any, before you even try, you're getting some," "I like kitchen sex as much as the next guy, but let's face it: And keffiyehs and leather necklaces and any other self-conscious assortment of hipster regalia. Will Nikki throw his Gucci briefs to the wind and win the girl's heart before she marries a New York multi-millionaire? The ultimate coup de grace of the film is so fucking wretch-tarded that I actually lost 17 IQ points for being subjected to it. He adheres closely to an internal points system to win her trust: He'll talk about his new movie on Twitter, "but you can't go on social media and say 'I'm going to sell this. Remember the names of Jason Dean Hall and David Mackenzie, not because they have any particular writing or directing skill disrespectfully , but because they're about one half-tab of Rohypnol from being on a Megan's Law website. Nikki's an American hustler without Audrey Hepburn's style or wit, Julia Roberts' likability or Richard Gere's red-blooded masculine sexuality. It has yet to work for any sitcom something: It's really broadening his Massengil Vitae. So why the fuck does he keep picking progressively worse scripts? While this film really was convinced it was a sneering clever parody -- a Billy Idol giving the middle finger to the dicks who live this way, it actually became a poor sham -- Billy Idol NOW at aged 60 giving the finger to the cameras on "American Idol," while the publicity paycheck cools in his back pocket. Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. That's what drew him and what draws thousands of Nikkis there every year.
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